Crawling through technology, life and love
Pool Paradise - GC on Wii
Podcasts - Chris Moyles, Mark Kermode and Stephen Fry
Bits and Bobs:
Gerry's Lyrics Pop Quiz
Sites I like:
Top 40 Singles
Some blogs I enjoy:
Books recently read:
Time Out Guide to Havana (and Cuba)
And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks - William S Burroughs and Jack Kerouac
At My Mother's Knee ... and Other Low Joints: The Autobiography - Paul O'Grady
Star Maker - Olaf Stapledon
My Booky Wook - Russell Brand
When You Are Engulfed in Flames - David Sedaris
Then We Come To The End - Joshua Ferris
A Spot of Bother - Mark Haddon
The End of Mr. Y - Scarlett Thomas
I Never Knew That About London - Christopher Winn
The Arsenal Miscellany - Adam Gold
Young Hearts Run Free: The Real Story of the 1970s - Dave Haslam
Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs
Veronika Decides To Die - Paulo Coelho
Time Out Guide - Amsterdam
Lillian's Story - Kate Grenville
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Schott's Original Miscellany - Ben Schott
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J K Rowling
A Gay History Of Britain - Matt Cook
Time Out Guide to Madrid
Time Out Guide to New York
Kingdom Come - J. G. Ballard
The Hours - Michael Cunningham
Mutants - Aramand Marie Leroi
A Young Man's Passage - Julian Clary
Growing Pains - Billie Piper
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
Highbury: The Story of Arsenal N.5 - Jon Spurling
Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins - Rupert Everett
Affinity - Sarah Waters
Lighthousekeeping - Jeanette Winterson
Tipping The Velvet - Sarah Waters
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Of Human Bondage - W Somerset Maugham
Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
Lucky Man - Michael J Fox
Labyrinth - Kate Mosse
Fingersmith - Sarah Waters
The Night Watch - Sarah Waters
The Pedant's Revolt - Andrea Barham
The Republic Of Trees - Sam Taylor
Written On tbe Body - Jeanette Winterson
Untold Stories - Alan Bennett
The Plot Against America - Philip Roth
Read All About It - Max Clifford
The Folding Star - Alan Hollinghurst
Thursbitch - Alan Garner
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris
Staying Alive - Matt Beaumont
The Bookseller Of Kabul - Asne Seierstad
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince - J K Rowling
A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
Count Karlstein - Philip Pullman
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Spell - Alan Hollinghurst
The Double Life Of Daniel Glick - Maurice Caldera
The Smoking Diaries - Simon Gray
Straight- Boy George
Digital Fortress - Dan Brown
Deception Point - Dan Brown
The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Sydney - Time Out Guide
Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
Eleanor Rigby - Douglas Coupland
The Scarecrow and His Servant - Philip Pullman
Tha Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
Planet Simpson - Chris Turner
The Line Of Beauty - Alan Hollinghurst
Barcelona - Time Out Guide
The Closed Circle - Jonathan Coe
The Clerkenwell Tales - Peter Ackroyd
Copenhagen - TimeOut Guide
The Butterfly Tattoo - Philip Pullman
The Broken Bridge - Philip Pullman
In Search of the Pleasure Palace - Marc Almond
Brick Lane - Monica Ali
Vernon God Little - DBC Pierre
Last Exit To Brooklyn - Hubert Selby Jr
You Shall Know Our Velocity - Dave Eggers
Touching The Void - Joe Simpson
Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
Istanbul - Time Out Guide
Millennium People - J G Ballard
The Duchess Who Wouldn't Sit Down - Jesse Browner
Hey Nostradamus! - Douglas Coupland
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynne Truss
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Our Man In Havana - Graham Greene
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
Lyra's Oxford - Philip Pullman
Doran - Will Self
Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
the book, the film, the t-shirt - matt beaumont
High Society - Ben Elton
Man And Wife - Tony Parsons
I Was A Rat - Philip Pullman
Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix - J R Rowling
Great Apes - Will Self
Barrel Fever - David Sedaris
Round Ireland With A Fridge - Tony Hawkes
Close Range - Annie Proux
The Third Way - Anthony Giddens
dot.con - John Cassidy
The Salmon of Doubt - Douglas Adams
One Hit Wonderland - Tony Hawkes
The Thief Lord - Cornelia Funke
The Corrections - Jonathan Franzen
The Cloud Sketcher - Richard Rayner
Keane: the Autobiography - Roy Keane
A Wasteland of Strangers - Bill Pronzini
The English - Jeremy Paxman
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - Toby Young
Dead Famous - Ben Elton
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman (again)
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Bear and The Dragon - Tom Clancy
101 Reykjavik - Hallgrimur Helgason
Forward The Foundation - Isaac Asimov
Carter Beats The Devil - Glen David Gold
The Tin Princess - Philip Pullman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Tiger In The Well - Philip Pullman
The Rotters Club - Jonathan Coe
Generation X - Douglas Copeland
Perfume - Patrick Suskind
All Families Are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland
The Shadow In The North - Phillip Pullman
No Logon - Naomi Klein
The Dirt - Motley Crue
Miss Wyoming - Douglas Coupland
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman
The Ruby in the Smoke - Phillip Pullman
The Sandman - Miles Gibson
Blood and Gold: The Vampire Marius - Anne Rice
The Actrocity Exhibition - J G Ballard
Shameless - Paul Burston
Sing Out! - Boze Hadleigh
Brilliant Orange - David Winner
New Boy - William Sutcliffe
London - Peter Ackroyd
Wonder Boys - Michael Chabon
One For My Baby - Tony Parsons
How To Be Good - Nick Hornby
White Teeth - Zadie Smith
Lust - Geoff Ryman
Tulip Fever - Deborah Moggach
Dead Souls - Ian Rankin
The House Of Sleep - Jonathan Coe
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
What a carve up! - Jonathan Coe
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - Michael Chabon
The Grapes Of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Heartwood - James Lee Burke
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
Man and Boy - Tony Parsons
The Map Of Love - Ahdaf Soueif
e - Matt Beaumont
The e Before Christmas - Matt Beaumont
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
Maybe Hell won't be so bad...
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, pints of beer ...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie-you're already dead, remember?
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Fridays."
Frank Butcher may be gone from The Square but he is still in our heads. Part of the national psyche along with Daleks and the Shake-n-Vac woman. This site celebrates all that is Fraaaank. My particular favourites are a great take on Eminem's "My Name Is" and the cat fight between Peggy and Pat in the famous You Bitch! You Cow! scene back in 1998. Both can be heard here. This is a fabulous site and many thanks to David who knew it would be right up my street.
You like me, you really like me...
Check out Dienstag, Februar 20, 2001. Thanks to David for the link.
Don't do anything I might find out about...
"Look at this. 'Humon Resources'. I ask you. 'Humon'! How do they expect to get a job when they can't even address an envelope without making a spelling mistake?" So started a rather surreal conversation in Sainsbury's this morning. A rather cute in-a-military-kind-of-way security guard had been watching me since I first walked in on my way to work. He had waited for me to queue up with my chicken hickory Be Good To Yourself instant meal and then without warning just started talking at me. The envelope in his hand was apparently from a recent job applicant. Quite why he had it or indeed felt the need to show it to me was as yet a mystery.
"You take my sister. I got an e-mail from her yesterday. And you know what? It had sixteen spelling mistakes in it. She spelt wool W-U-L." I eyed him slowly. He was dressed in the typical gold trimmed brown trousers and jacket that is often the standard apparel of supermarket security personnel. His highly polished black shoes and crisply ironed shirt gave him the appearance of a door-to-door Mormon or a fresh young accountant bright-eyed ready for their first job interview. I smiled and nodded thinking that maybe he would leave it at that. Making no eye contact I shuffled forward one place in the queue that now seemed to have slowed to a snail's pace. I looked straight ahead and mused. Maybe he'd been driven mad by the inanity of his job? Perhaps banging on to complete strangers somehow was keeping him in touch with reality, I thought. Then he surprised me by talking almost directly in my ear.
"Did you have the strap and the cane at school?” he said. My eyes looked around nervously wondering whether I was part of some elaborate prank. No one else seemed to be looking at me or smiling in my direction so I just thought it was me who was overreacting. Maybe he was hitting on me and I'd got the signals wrong from the start? I turned and smiled. I'd chance it and with a nod said, "Yes." Big mistake. Huge.
Without pausing for breath, permission or further response he held me up, and the rest of the queue, with such wistful pronouncements as, "We had assembly every morning at school, didn't we?” and “We had to say the Lord's Prayer and behave while we said it, didn't we?” Not only was I getting late for work but also beginning to feel slightly uneasy. Why was this man talking to me? Didn’t he need any feedback when he spoke? I studied him for a while. He had steely blue eyes and almost perfect tanned skin. His short-cropped dark hair was slightly greying at the sides. His lips where slight but betrayed a permanent smirk. Still he was banging on, “We had to dress smart and look smart. They don't do that anymore, do they?"
Saved at last by Mohammed on check out number three I finally managed to turn away from my rabid talker and to quickly pay for my food, stuff it in a thin plastic bag and make for the door. Just as I was about to secure my escape he called after me, "Don't do anything I might find out about!”
Monday, February 26, 2001
Vive La France...
On Saturday I went to Calais with Daisy Moo for a short trip. The primary reason was to pick up some wine and beer at low, low French prices but we thought we'd make a day of it. We drove along the coast down to Boulogne. We had a fantastic thanks to Stena, the good weather and a rather sweet waitress in a little seaside town of Wiltreux.
Saturday night we went to Central Station North to help them celebrate their 4th birthday party and also to watch DE Experience. DE did an OK show but it was cut a little cut as she had a sore throat poor love. Just as DE finished her act it started to snow outside. Before long there was a full on snow ball fight in the bar.
Sunday I went with Roger down to Sailors. We had a wild time. Suffice to say it was a good result Cuba 1 - England 3
Friday, February 23, 2001
Mad as a mad thing...
They both love opera, Dante, fine wines and have strong English accents. Yet never seen in the same room together. Dr Hannibal Lector and Dr Fraiser Crane.
Friday night C4 is a real must tonight. Spaced, Frasier and then So Graham Norton.
And if you can't wait to hear than lovely voice try Ask Frasier.
Thursday, February 22, 2001
I spoke to the vet again today. He's at a bit of a loss as to what exactly is wrong with Oliver. FIP is a possibility. He's fairly sure it can't be FIV (aka cat AIDS) though which is a relief. Over the past four days Oliver has been looking a lot stronger which is entirely due to the short course of antibiotics and steroids that he's been prescribed. Nurse Michael and Nurse Mark have been very good in their duties in push pills down his throat - but each day he gets stronger there is a greater risk their fingers! The vet wants to extend that treatment until next week. Despite the improvement, Oliver's back legs are still very wobbly and it breaks my heart to see him struggle to walk. Stairs are especially challenging.
Mark was, is and will always be ...my hero.
Queer As F**k...
Last night I went to Andy Ruffett's pad for a screening of the first three episodes of the American version of our beloved Queer As Folk. Andy hadn't been too forthcoming all the details of his address. I had the postcode, the street, a number and a few clues about a jeep but a red herring about curtains. So I donned my deerstalker, polished my largest magnifying glass and set off with large exaggerated strides. As is happens Tabernacle Street is a very long street; and I think I know every bloody inch of it now! I was just about to give up after thirty minutes of fruitless aearching when I bumped into a similarly lost soul (strangely also called Andy) who was also looking for Andy's so we pooled our resources and found the building we were looking for. (We then promptly got lost inside the building but that just shows us up are morons so I won't dwell.)
Andy's flat (I suppose I should call it an apartment really) is a beautiful loft conversion - one of those one big room affairs. Lovely. Andy had laid on a spread and there was more than enough bottled beer to satisfy the nine or ten people who were there. Guy had got the USQAF tapes for a friend in the States and gave us a bit of an introduction. By the time it started we were well disposed to welcome USQAF with open arms. Sadly we didn't embrace it quite as warmly as we had expected. Yes, it was a straight remake (no pun intended) so it hadn't been watered down as had been feared for the US audience. All the action, and there is quite a bit, takes place in Pittsburgh. The time seemed to slip by - three hours later we had watched the three episodes and we were all talking about what we thought. Yes, I thought it was watchable, but only in a same way that it's nice to hear a cover version of a favourite song but all it really does is remind you how good the original was. My main beef is that the men just weren't cute enough. It needed to be sexier - which isn't to say there wasn't sex in it. It's just that you somehow wanted something more. Where the UKQAF was sexy, the USQAF was merely titillating. The UKQAK was trying to be queer, the USQAF was never anything but gay. Fun it have seen it though. And of course I'd happily watch the other nine episodes :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2001
The Guardian has done a great piece on how the English don't speak any foreign languages. It called up a few famous places and spoke to them in a foreign tongue. All very amusing. Especially funny is when they call the Guardian's own foreign desk!
Train, train go away come again another day...
Looks like the Channel Tunnel Rail Link (CTRL) is finally got the go ahead to build a station at Stratford. What's more (or worse) is that, "powers will also authorise a twin-track connection between the CTRL and the North London Line (NLL) near St Pancras, for the purposes of running regional services from the CTRL to the West Coast Main Line." This will mean that trains that come down on the the West Coast will take a right turn onto a new wider twin-track NNL. The problem for us is that the NNL goes under Highbury roundabout and then comes out by Corsica Street quite near our flat. So we can expect seven years of trucks, dirt and mess trundling along the end of our road as the extra tunneling is done and then the extra track laid. If it's going to be a surface run rail service it'll be even worse. And then finally we'll have the delight of high speed train noise morning, noon and night. Maybe time to move.
Tuesday, February 20, 2001
Worst score ever...
(there are no links in this entry to protect the guilty - but you know who you are)
12? 12!!!? I ask you. What a crap score. It wasn't even out of 20 but 21. Come back Dave, come back Darren. The slight consolation was that Wendy won which was good. To our credit everyone agreed it was a tough quiz tough. Wendy's team won with just 15.5. So where did it all go so wrong? Well, there were a fair number of questions about the Brits nominees - we were clueless. The first question was a photo fit of Craig David, Robbie Williams and Eminem (we couldn't identify the rapper's chin). Then there was round on girl bands. We stupidly failed to spot All Saints and Booty Call, guessed correctly at Cleopatra's I Want You Back but didn't feel too bad at missing out on Sweetbox (though we knew the song title of Everything's gonna be alright). I'm always crap with years so why David took my advice to say that these songs were all hits in 1999 I have no idea. Of the course I was wrong. The year was 1998. The next round was TV themes. Easy. Match Of The Day, The Persuaders and Crossroads. Then it was the big seven round. Seven Marc/Soft Cell tracks. Needless to say picked up the two points on offer with ease - even identifying on the first note of a misplayed track. The next question was the lyric round. The song was Madonna's Vogue. We had to get the seventeen words that start with the bit "Greta Garbo and Monroe...". Did we get it right. Hell we did! We should both have to hand in our Gay ID cards to the Gay Police for failing to get it right. We put a "Grace Kelly" where we should have had a "Marlon Brando". Pooh! The next round was the covers round. We did OK with the first question getting Queen and Bohemian Rhapsody. However upon hearing the next track I thought that I'd had a flash of inspiration in thinking we were listening to a cover of I Feel Pretty from My Fair Lady. It turned out to be Mack The Knife sung in German. Easy mistake I think you'll agree. Not knowing that Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) was originally made famous by Edison Lighthouse gave us no shame. Then we had the "Spot The Connection" round. Five tracks they gave us were performed by Danny (Wilson), Noel (Gallagher), Mylene (somebody-or-other), Kim (Wilde) and Suzanne (Vega). Naturally the answer was Popstars. Quite why we put Diana Ross will forever remain a mystery. The next round was "crap covers" where we were subjected to Jim Dale, Danny La Rue and Mike Reid. It rather typified the evening in that we did quite well in that round. The final three questions were all Brit nominees. We failed to recognise Radiohead or Air but possible managed to hang on to our Gay credentials by getting S Club Seven right for the closing question. So that was it. 12/21. An historic moment.
Porn to be wild...
'Sbeen a so-so kinda day. Bits and bobs. This and that. The odd call here the odd call there. Nothing what you might call inspirational. That was until I thought to put two elements of my life together in a oh-my-gawd-why-didn't-I-think-of-that-before kinda way. Let me explain.
I love cartoons, comics that kind of thing. I've still got a cardboard box or two of Treasure and Look and Learns somewhere up in the attic gathering dust. Probably worth a bit now too. But I digress. I also love porn (yes, I realise that makes me kind of sad). Well when the two were miraculously combined in the fabulous Meatmen comics by Leyland Publications back in the 1990s I was in 7th heaven, feeling over the 8 and on cloud 9. Over the years I've collected these anthologies in a rather piecemeal fashion. Always in the back of my mind I've maintained a list of the issues I don't own. 2, 3, 6, 13, 19, 21, 22, 23 and 24. Being a compulsive list maker/hoarder/collector means that I could never die happy until I had those remaining issues.
And the revelation? Well nothing more than the fact that I could search for these missing books on the web. Sure enough amazon.co.uk, amazon.com and streetsonline.co.uk were all able to help. In fact I'm just missing 3, 6 and 13 now so if anyone can help.... I'd be very much obliged. All offers considered. Did I mention I'm shameless?
Monday, February 19, 2001
What a weekend...
Oliver has been taken ill with FIP :((
We had the flat valued. We fell off our chairs when we found out it was worth two and a half times what we paid for it back in 1997 :)
We had a lovely Saturday night at Simon and Dawn's. Good food, good drink and good company. Not too sure all that fresh air is good for you though. :)
A veil should be passed over last night. See here or here for more details. My head hurts. :(
Friday, February 16, 2001
A fun weekend ahead...
Saturday morning I've got Winworth's coming round to do a valuation of our flat. Since we've had it "done up" I keep meaning to find out what it's worth. So it's time to run round with the Dyson and dust the knick-knacks. Oliver's promised to be on his best behaviour. The way cats do.
Later on we're off to my brother's for the night. Should be a right laugh. I've got a Pop Quiz all lined up ready to go. I've been working on it for the last few days. This one is my fifth. It's an Eighties quiz - as people of a "certain" age seem to prefer that era. I expect David and Dave could eat it for breakfast but you're got to keep it simple when there's family involved. If anyone gets less than 20/20 they'll be tears before bedtime I know it.
I had to turn down an offer of going to a new leather/rubber club tonight (boo! hiss!) with my friend Adrian. That's because the estate agent (see above) is coming @ 11:30am. Cow.
Thursday, February 15, 2001
Being a bit of a soaphead I can't wait for Crossroads to return. I see two of the main characters are going to be gay according to the Guardian. Hmm. So the handyman and the chef are an item, eh? Maybe we'll be getting threesomes!
I've still got a bit of that warm glow from last night. We had a lovely evening together. Mind you, after the second bottle of Chablis I think anyone would have had a warm glow. Having eaten we thought we might watch a romantic film together (bless!). We were a little bit torn between watching Ghost or Notting Hill on TV. Having seen NH quite recently we settled for Ghost. My God, hasn't that film aged quickly (and badly). The script is so weak. Whoopi Goldberg is as fab as every but Patrick Swazye looks like a dog and Demi Moore (demeanour?) just looks so old hat in all that 80's garb (even though the film was made in 1990). Shame, as it rather destroyed my fond memories of that film.
Wednesday, February 14, 2001
Happy VD to all! It's been a warm fuzzy glow of a day. All the women at work have had bunches of roses turning up throughout the day from husbands and lovers. My moby has been beeping with love notes from my beloved. I've even been playing love songs on my PC.
Nice to see that "Tim can perform gymnastic feats while on ecstasy" We used to call them "love push-ups"!
And what's for dinner tonight? Sushi (Mark's favourite), Steak (Mark's favourite) and fruit salad with yoghurt (Mark's favourite). All prepared by me (Mark's favourite). I think I'll dust off that Issac Hayes CD too.
Tuesday, February 13, 2001
Bring it on...
Reigning champs David and Jonathan (biblical, huh?) and a few friends will be taking on all comers tonight at the Retro Bar's pop quiz. Come and have a go if you think you're not too...!
A kiss is just a kiss...
How much is it worth from Brendan Fraser though?
Monday, February 12, 2001
(Tell me why) I do like Mondays...
Why do I like Mondays so much? Well, basically it's because I love my job. Am I mad? Maybe.
When I first left Uni I did a job that I hated (I can't tell you what: hush, hush). I felt really cheated. I though people were supposed to like their jobs. I wasn't the only one. Everyone around me was complaining about how much they hated work too. I sat myself down and I decided that I would never do anything that I didn't really love. As fate would have it we were all being kicked out anyway. So I looked around and made a conscious decision to work in a field that I loved. I started working with computers. This was about the time PCs were invented in the early 80's. I just loved them. I thought they were magical. You typed something on keyboard and letters raced across a screen. You wiggled a mouse and an arrow danced for you in front of your eyes. I was spellbound. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life.
On the tube this morning I spent a few minutes trying to think why I was so happy and why I have so few days off sick from my current job. This is what I came up with:-
* I like my work itself - system's management (computer integration, server admin, PC support etc).
* I like working in London (especially Mayfair).
* I like my boss and the other people I work with too (no really).
* I especially like being in control of my own day (don't all list makers?).
* I love that part of my job is to play around with new technology and gadgets (boys and their toys, eh?).
* I'm out at work (very out).
* I like the salary they pay me (no really).
* How else can I explain why I stay here until 8pm all alone on a Friday night when I could be out drinking (or worse)?
So here I am. That's why there's always a spring in my step come Monday morning.
And what have I been up to today at work?
* Configuring remote collection of company e-mail by mobile phones (very 21st century).
* Reconfiguring an Exchange 2000 test installation (roll out soon).
* Trouble-shooting compression issues on privately routed phone calls to Washington DC, New York and Houston (so international, me).
* Having a chin wag with David Matthewson, our computer consultant (DM knows all the gossip).
* Laughing at the number of porn pictures/viruses that one of our customers had unintentionally started sending us (some tennis player starkers).
* Investigating personalised WAP sites (WAP is crap really but every fag needs a fad).
* Reprogramming some phone handsets (did I mention I'm the company's telecommunications "expert"?)
Friday, February 09, 2001
Good time management (not)...
I had a busy morning at work today (unusual for a Friday). Work was piling up too. So what did I do to speed things along? Why I went to Chez Gerard for a 3 hour lunch break. D'oh. Now I've a million things to do before 5:30pm. Busy bee, busy bee.
Thursday, February 08, 2001
Farting could help in the discovery of extra terrestial life.
"...there is no great technology in cows farting. Perhaps even more importantly a brontosaurus could undoubtedly let rip to good effect."
Mine's a large one...
Ever heard of LPSG? Well now you have. It's the Large Penis Support Group.
"While it is true that 1.5% of home accidents are caused by large penis related incidents, only a small number have ever been known to be fatal. A large penis is a friend as well as a foe. Treat it as such." - Only 1.5%? I would have thought it would have been larger (boom, boom).
"Large penises have long been considered fashionable." - How so? As a wrap or a scarf? Can you get them in different colours?
For the full larger details (if you dare) click here.
Their goodbyes must have been limited to nods...
"When sperm is ejaculated it's a gel-like, viscous substance... it's only after it liquifies that it really becomes mobile". Don't we know it. Full credit to Ian for this fabulous, fabulous link.
This is what the web was made for...
Why wouldn't you want to stuff a kitten in a jar to keep it small? Let me know if you think this site is for real Bonsai Kitten
Thanks to PopBitch for the link.
I'm in the mood for dancing (drinking, loving)...
Wine, women and song - all available through Ticketmaster
Great fun and a genuine chance to try different wines and buy the ones you like.
Kylie Minogue - Sunday 1 April (new date) - Apollo Hammersmith (London) - £25.00
"I'm just a girl who smiles, winks and sticks her bum out". But to us you're a Godess.
Soft Cell - Saturday 17 March (new date) - Ocean (London) - £17.50
Tainted Love heroes reform for first time in 17 years! Second date now on sale due to popular demand.
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
From the Guardian today...
On the letters page:
"Eminem has an even more eminently respectable antecedent than Robert Browning: Sir Cliff Richard. 'Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin' in the trunk' inescapably calls to mind 'Gonna lock her up in a trunk, so no big hunk can steal her away from me' from Living Doll - a song which always seemed to me to have dark undertones."
I see PopBitch gets a mention by Julie Burchill on the Cruise/Kidman split. The virus that goes by the name of irony spreads unabated.
Damned with faint praise...
A recent e-mail from a friend who just read my blog for the first time. "I think its brilliant, very Victor Lewis-Smith." Argghhh!!!!
David, you might need to work on those competitiveness issues. Can I recommend either the Betty Ford Clinic - as she seems such a nice woman from her picture?
I suspect you are a Type A person though. So there's no hope.
WE WON! (Again) - bottle of wine this time!
We got 19.5 out of 20 (actually 20/20 but more of that later)
Our secret weapon was the wonderful Darren. Born in North Wales, currently living betwixt So'ton and London the lovely Darren (sorry boys, he's taken) stunned us with his amazing knowledge of all things "sampled". The quiz was based upon a CD that contained the original recordings of tracks that had subsequent been sampled. Basically most questions were simply "who sampled this track and what is the newer track called?"
Amongst the artists were Moby (Natural Blues), Fat Boy Slim (Praise You), Robbie Williams (Rock DJ), Eminem (My Name is...), Groove Armada (At the River), De La Soul (3 is a magic number), M C Hammer (Can't Touch This), S-Express (Theme from...) Spiller (Groovejet), Stardust (Music Sounds Better With You), Modjo (Lady) and Fat Boy Slim (Rockerfella Skank) and many more.
And why do I think we deserved 20/20 rather than 19.5? Question #9 was: who sampled Chic's "Good Times"? Well, it has been sampled by quite a few artists on various tracks over the years. But two that stand out are The Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" in 1979 and later Grandmaster Flash's (aka Joseph Saddler) "The Message" in 1982. Wendy the glamourous quiz mistress indicated that there were three parts to the answer and to get the full points you needed to get all the parts right. So we put The SHG (for Rapper's Delight) and also Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five (for The Message) i.e. both artists for both songs. When the answers were read out she included Mel Melle (aka Melvin Glover) as one of the featured artists on the Message. So we dropped the half point for not including it. No extra points for being smart arses and getting the SHG either :( . However when I got home I checked in the Guiness: British Hit Singles and sure enough, it got to #8 in Aug 1982 "The Message" - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five (i.e. no Melle Mel!). Hence we will be requesting a reinstatement of the half point next week. And a fuller explanation is here i.e. Mel Melle was part of the Furious Five at that time with no separate credit on that particular record until the follow up single "Message II (Survival)" early in 1983. Interesting Kid Creole was also part of FF.
Shit, I've just reread the above and realised I've become a Type A. David help! Is there a support group?
Tuesday, February 06, 2001
Phones, cakes and Captain Pugwash...
For those luddites that don't yet own a mobile phone soon you're be terrorised by a new disposable version. Announced last year it'll be on sale this.
Things you didn't know about Mr Kipling:
*More than 64 million Mr Kipling Apple Pies are sold each year.
*In 1999 we made nearly 36 million Mini Battenberg cakes - enough to circle the M25 eight times!
*We can make 864 French Fancies a minute.
*The voice on the old TV ads was not that of Mr Kipling, but his friend's.
*Over the years, three different actors have been the voice of Mr Kipling's friend.
*Mr Kipling cakes are exported to America, Australia, New Zealand, Europe, Canada and the Middle East.
*The Mr Kipling 'exceedingly good' line has been the subject of comedy sketches by Dawn French and the Fast Show.
Captain Pugwash, Sooty and Thomas were always favourites of mine. Now you can play the games, sing the songs and generally be a child again. No dubious mentions of Seamen Stains, Master Bates or Roger(ing) the Cabinboy here.
Fax off, your bitch...
I know it's 8 years old now but it's still good to read a good old cat fight: Julie Burchill vs Camille Paglia
Thanks to Marit
Monday, February 05, 2001
I didn't know what to think...
about Eminem and his homophobic lyrics until my mind was made up for me by Scott Thompson "the funniest gay Canadian in the world" (is the competition for that title particularly fierce?) He has created a brilliant parody of "Stan" called "Dear Marshall" that puts the rapper in his place. It's very funny and I might try and pursuade Wendy to play it at the Retro Bar tomorrow night. I urge you to listen to it.
"I still like to think of myself as a gentleman." - Yes, but does lighting a bit of ex-trade's fag really qualify you for that title though, Ian?
"I met this guy last night. He was too minkered to even understand what minkered means!"
"Hi, I'm Matthew. Do you want to come on a picnic?" - Bless
Friday, February 02, 2001
Let's all rush...
To Inverness. Sounds great. See how they love Ted Rogers. Dead or not.
Or to where I was born. Even better.
Oh sod it - look up your own place and see how the skateboard/BMX/student/bad spellers hate it too.
If you happen to be awake on Saturday morning at 4 minutes past 5 in the morning.
If you happen to own a digital watch that displays the date in D/M/Y format.
If you happen to be sad like me.
You can look forward to seeing 5:4 3/2/1
Ted Rodgers would be turning in his grave (if he was dead... and buried)
Blog entries won't be this interesting for another 20 years 1 month, 1 day, 1 hour and 1 second.
Oh... my... God...!
Did you see 'Enders last night?!
Normally we hate Kat "the slapper with the slap on" but last night was different. Firstly she outshone even herself with enough Egyptian eyeliner to make Barbara Streisand blush. Then she went down the Vic to try and pick up anything in trousers. Later at Zoe's birthday bash she had some of the bitchiest lines that 'Enders has seen for some time. Then to cap it all she pulled a corking plot twist out of the hat, "Zoe’s not your special little girl, she’s mine!" I almost fell off my chair. I just didn't see that one coming at all.
What I love about 'Enders is they know how to make a whip up a storm in a badly chipped teacup. Melodrama out of mellow drama.
Kat Slater will have no trouble getting Panto for 2001.
Friends was good but not the best.
Temptation Island trundled along nicely last night. Billy's pseudo-strip was the high point. Where did he buy that washboard stomach?
Thursday, February 01, 2001
My favourite sites at the moment are...
1. Lego Mindstorms. Lego paid MIT to develop the brains behind this marvelous set of bricks back in the 1980. We were bought a big set for Christmas by Ben and Sarah and we've been staying in building robots ever since. First you build the robot. Then you can program it from your PC to walk, throw, catch, climb or race. Oh, and did I mention it can detect heat, light or touch too. Fab.
2. The film Requiem For A Dream has to be one of the most fabulous sites I've seen in a long time. Stay with it till the end.
3. For sheer entertainment value try being rude to Alice. She doesn't really pass the Turing test though.
(you're getting the idea I like lists, aren't you?)
Being a big fan...
Being a big 'Enders fan natch I love this site http://www.chazbaps.com - thank you PopBitch.
Can't wait for the "4 times a week" that's been promised by the Beeb.
Being a big fan of all things Marc Almond I am naturally getting very excited about seeing Soft Cell on Friday 16th March at Ocean 270 Mare St, Hackney E8
I have a dream running order too.
New song #1
The Art Of Falling Apart
Where The Heart Is
New song #2
Loving You Hating Me
Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart (to please the record company)
Tainted Love (Finale - to please the record company)
New song #3 (1st Encore)
Say Hello Wave Goodbye (2nd Encore)
Peer pressure is a terrible thing.
Thank you David, Ian and Dave!
No sooner had I settled down to a quiet life of swapping the odd e-mail and a few well chosen URLs with friends when some idiot came up with the idea of Weblogs or Blogs (as the purists would have it).
As if we have time to type away reams of nonsense to people who don't give a shit? Not you, dear reader, of course. I know that you are here for the noblest of reasons.
Why do people go to friend's (we)blog sites?
Partly out of duty I guess (I probably forced you to surf here), partly to see if there's anything saucy or gossipy and partly to see if there is anything you can steal for your own blog. Blog borrowing seems to be big business. I suppose one should be flattered if someone likes your links or your prose style enough to "borrow" it. I am under no illusions that I shall have nothing stolen.
Well what can you expect from coming to this site then?
1. the odd jokes with bad puns
2. the odd rant about life, the universe and everything
3. the odd bit of techno babble about my latest toy/gadget
3. the odd bit of pop gossip shamelessly lifted from PopBitch
4. the odd life that is me
May God forgive me.
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