Crawling through technology, life and love
Pool Paradise - GC on Wii
Podcasts - Chris Moyles, Mark Kermode and Stephen Fry
Bits and Bobs:
Gerry's Lyrics Pop Quiz
Sites I like:
Top 40 Singles
Some blogs I enjoy:
Books recently read:
Time Out Guide to Havana (and Cuba)
And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks - William S Burroughs and Jack Kerouac
At My Mother's Knee ... and Other Low Joints: The Autobiography - Paul O'Grady
Star Maker - Olaf Stapledon
My Booky Wook - Russell Brand
When You Are Engulfed in Flames - David Sedaris
Then We Come To The End - Joshua Ferris
A Spot of Bother - Mark Haddon
The End of Mr. Y - Scarlett Thomas
I Never Knew That About London - Christopher Winn
The Arsenal Miscellany - Adam Gold
Young Hearts Run Free: The Real Story of the 1970s - Dave Haslam
Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs
Veronika Decides To Die - Paulo Coelho
Time Out Guide - Amsterdam
Lillian's Story - Kate Grenville
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Schott's Original Miscellany - Ben Schott
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J K Rowling
A Gay History Of Britain - Matt Cook
Time Out Guide to Madrid
Time Out Guide to New York
Kingdom Come - J. G. Ballard
The Hours - Michael Cunningham
Mutants - Aramand Marie Leroi
A Young Man's Passage - Julian Clary
Growing Pains - Billie Piper
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
Highbury: The Story of Arsenal N.5 - Jon Spurling
Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins - Rupert Everett
Affinity - Sarah Waters
Lighthousekeeping - Jeanette Winterson
Tipping The Velvet - Sarah Waters
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Of Human Bondage - W Somerset Maugham
Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
Lucky Man - Michael J Fox
Labyrinth - Kate Mosse
Fingersmith - Sarah Waters
The Night Watch - Sarah Waters
The Pedant's Revolt - Andrea Barham
The Republic Of Trees - Sam Taylor
Written On tbe Body - Jeanette Winterson
Untold Stories - Alan Bennett
The Plot Against America - Philip Roth
Read All About It - Max Clifford
The Folding Star - Alan Hollinghurst
Thursbitch - Alan Garner
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris
Staying Alive - Matt Beaumont
The Bookseller Of Kabul - Asne Seierstad
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince - J K Rowling
A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
Count Karlstein - Philip Pullman
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Spell - Alan Hollinghurst
The Double Life Of Daniel Glick - Maurice Caldera
The Smoking Diaries - Simon Gray
Straight- Boy George
Digital Fortress - Dan Brown
Deception Point - Dan Brown
The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Sydney - Time Out Guide
Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
Eleanor Rigby - Douglas Coupland
The Scarecrow and His Servant - Philip Pullman
Tha Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
Planet Simpson - Chris Turner
The Line Of Beauty - Alan Hollinghurst
Barcelona - Time Out Guide
The Closed Circle - Jonathan Coe
The Clerkenwell Tales - Peter Ackroyd
Copenhagen - TimeOut Guide
The Butterfly Tattoo - Philip Pullman
The Broken Bridge - Philip Pullman
In Search of the Pleasure Palace - Marc Almond
Brick Lane - Monica Ali
Vernon God Little - DBC Pierre
Last Exit To Brooklyn - Hubert Selby Jr
You Shall Know Our Velocity - Dave Eggers
Touching The Void - Joe Simpson
Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
Istanbul - Time Out Guide
Millennium People - J G Ballard
The Duchess Who Wouldn't Sit Down - Jesse Browner
Hey Nostradamus! - Douglas Coupland
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynne Truss
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Our Man In Havana - Graham Greene
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
Lyra's Oxford - Philip Pullman
Doran - Will Self
Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
the book, the film, the t-shirt - matt beaumont
High Society - Ben Elton
Man And Wife - Tony Parsons
I Was A Rat - Philip Pullman
Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix - J R Rowling
Great Apes - Will Self
Barrel Fever - David Sedaris
Round Ireland With A Fridge - Tony Hawkes
Close Range - Annie Proux
The Third Way - Anthony Giddens
dot.con - John Cassidy
The Salmon of Doubt - Douglas Adams
One Hit Wonderland - Tony Hawkes
The Thief Lord - Cornelia Funke
The Corrections - Jonathan Franzen
The Cloud Sketcher - Richard Rayner
Keane: the Autobiography - Roy Keane
A Wasteland of Strangers - Bill Pronzini
The English - Jeremy Paxman
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - Toby Young
Dead Famous - Ben Elton
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman (again)
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Bear and The Dragon - Tom Clancy
101 Reykjavik - Hallgrimur Helgason
Forward The Foundation - Isaac Asimov
Carter Beats The Devil - Glen David Gold
The Tin Princess - Philip Pullman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Tiger In The Well - Philip Pullman
The Rotters Club - Jonathan Coe
Generation X - Douglas Copeland
Perfume - Patrick Suskind
All Families Are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland
The Shadow In The North - Phillip Pullman
No Logon - Naomi Klein
The Dirt - Motley Crue
Miss Wyoming - Douglas Coupland
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman
The Ruby in the Smoke - Phillip Pullman
The Sandman - Miles Gibson
Blood and Gold: The Vampire Marius - Anne Rice
The Actrocity Exhibition - J G Ballard
Shameless - Paul Burston
Sing Out! - Boze Hadleigh
Brilliant Orange - David Winner
New Boy - William Sutcliffe
London - Peter Ackroyd
Wonder Boys - Michael Chabon
One For My Baby - Tony Parsons
How To Be Good - Nick Hornby
White Teeth - Zadie Smith
Lust - Geoff Ryman
Tulip Fever - Deborah Moggach
Dead Souls - Ian Rankin
The House Of Sleep - Jonathan Coe
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
What a carve up! - Jonathan Coe
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - Michael Chabon
The Grapes Of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Heartwood - James Lee Burke
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
Man and Boy - Tony Parsons
The Map Of Love - Ahdaf Soueif
e - Matt Beaumont
The e Before Christmas - Matt Beaumont
Monday, April 30, 2001
Vienna is a lovely city. Beautiful, friendly, young and horny. It's the location of EuroPride this year. Rooms are £40 a night, food and beer are cheaper than London and there's lot's to see and do. We also managed to stumble upon a sport's night in one of the leather clubs. Bliss. No matter which venue we went to I seemed to be very popular. Every which way I turned I was greeted with a smiling face or a wink. Needless to say, fun was had. Thank you Marky for arranging it all. Love ya.
My new motto...
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I shopped
In 1930s the Synagogue in the Jewish quarter wasn't burnt down in case it set fire to the rest of the town. Nice of them.
The large cathedral in the centre is called St Stephen's and has an Arch Bitchop (sic).
Austrian's are 'fiercely resistant to change' and 'show this with some wit'. Er... really? Like the current policy of financial eugenics I suppose.
The Blue Danube is sometimes Green but usually Grey or Brown. Facts we just couldn't live without.
The Austrian Ministry of War was recently (only recently!) renamed the Ministry of Defence.
Strauss was witty. Had no children, practiced conducting in front of a mirror, always had his beard to the latest fashion, and dyed his hair. Sounds like a Queen.
While I was resting...
Nice to see the video to Kylie's Your Disco Needs You on MTV. I thought of you, Dave.
Wednesday, April 25, 2001
Pop Quiz is cancelled next week. On advice from the police Wendy has decided to not open the Retro Bar next Tuesday due to the threat of rioting. So instead of next week I'll be making a twat of myself as the Quiz Creator the following Tuesday (8th May).
Next week's Pop Quiz...
The guest creator of the Pop Quiz for next week is... me. Come along and see what a twat I can make of myself. I promise it will be fun (and easy-ish). 9pm Tuesday 1st May Retro Bar, 2 George Court (just off the Strand), London WC2.
Normal service will be resumed...
I'm off to Vienna tomorrow for four days. Mark is going there on a business trip so I thought I'd join him. It's yonks since I've been there so I'm quite looking forward to it.
We even got the year right....
We didn't win - but we were bloomin' close. And what a top night it was. It was big money up for grabs at the Pop Quiz (£117) and our team was out in strength the three Ds - Darren, Dave & David - and me. The supplementary bonus quizlet was ten eighties lyrics worth three bonus points - we walked it. The quiz proper got off to a blistering start...
(insert fuller details of quiz here)*
Inserted at 8pm later same day
OK. Here's fuller details. The first two questions were current releases: Madonna, Destinys Child and Missy Elliot. The R&B Queens were next: Christina Aguilera, Pink amd Li'l Kim. Bonus point for the connection (They are working on a version Lady Marmalade originally done by La Belle). The theme of covers continued with tracks from the Brand New Boots and Panties album namely Cerys Matthews and Shane McGowan. The connection round (Band Of Gold, Man In A Suitcase and a Bille track) gave us the engagement of Chris Evans and Billie Pipsqueak. Correctly identifying Lady Tron, The Avalanches and Linkin Park meant we were on a roll. The soul round (introduced specifically to fox Darren apparently) again presented no problems. Candi Staton, James Brown and Rose Royce were the culprits. The Best round was a two-tracks-at-the-same-time Human League's Being Boiled and TLC's No Scrubs producing the inevitably titled Being Scrubs.
... and we only tripped up on two. The first was from the Brand New Boots and Panties album; we thought we were hearing Suggs whereas we were really hearing Billy Bragg. Secondly the diva who was belting out some camp show tune or other from 1973 was Liza Minnelli (we put the Supremes). And yes, we even got the year right 1969 (clues were Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Space Oddity, Je T'aime). We got 22 points. Not bad. It turned out that one other team got 22 also so we had a tie-break situation. We hastily drew lots and David got the "short straw". Despite successfully calling out the name of the singer first in the tie-break (Sinead O'Connor) he was told to call out the name again when the vocal started (go figure). Naturally the cat was out of the bag by then so it was a tie-break situation again. The opening bars of Status Quo's Rocking All Over The World proved our undoing though. Consolation prizes of free club passes and beer T-shirts were unnecessary. We knew deep down that we'd won - but lost on a technicality. Strangely Wendy even tried to give us the cash prize at the end by mistake (subconsciously the girl knew she done wrong?)
What made the quiz so much fun was that we all contributed more or less fairly to the answers. The team worked well together. Dave commented that it was the best Pop Quiz night ever for that reason - and I think I agree - even though we didn't win the money this time. Afterwards we all went to Bar Code - and did a bit more laughing/bonding/confessing the way that friends do. Top, top night.
Oh, yes. When I left Bar Code there was a strange sexual tension in the air... anyone care to elaborate?
For my own part I shall pass briefly over the multiple taxi rides on the way home and what followed. And on a completely (look into my eyes) COMPLETELY different subject: Drew stayed last night. Good Luck in your job interview today, Drew. Knock 'em dead.
Oh, and Darren, you said to say something nice about you in my blog today. Darren, you are a sex-god. Nice enough?
* I was so hung over this morning I left the completed quiz form in my jeans - D'oh! Will blog the gory details tonight - honest!
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
It'll be a riot...
I think May Day Monopoly sounds rather sweet. OK they'll be mindless violence, random destruction and 5000 extra Police Officers on the streets but I think as Londoners we should take it as a compliment. They don't riot in Wigan do they? But wait, does that mean that the Pop Quiz will be cancelled next week - the Retro Bar being so near The Strand? I hope not.
It wasn't the first time I was on TV, or was it the last. But it was certainly the most confrontational. I appeared on Right To Reply a few days after the ITV televised boxing match where Michael Watson was knocked out by Chris Eubank in the last round in 1991. I had called RtR after the match to complain about ITV's coverage. The hype, the slow motion replays with the blood, the fact we didn't know whether Michael Watson was dead or alive. The following Friday I went to the C4 studio to have a head to head argument up against Greg Dyke (then Head of ITV Sport - now BBC Director-General). I think I gave a good showing avoiding the easy "ban boxing" mantra. Dyke is/was/always will be a worm though. He said he'd show bull fighting on ITV if he could and would bid for screening live capital punishment if it were legal and would get ratings. For some time after the screening people would stop me on the tube and congratulate me on my stance. So it is with some sadness I note the passing of Right To Reply.
Thursday morning 7:30am...
The feeling has gone only you and I
It means nothing to me
This means nothing to me
Sunday, April 22, 2001
Town mice have more fun...
Who'd live in the country, eh? At 1am last night Ben and I decided on a whim to go out. We fancied a few beers and a dance. We wandered down to the Garage at Highbury Corner where there's a new Indie night. We stumped up and stumbled in. Two hours later we were pleasantly drunk and all danced out. Town mice: Mission Accomplished. I could never be a country mouse.
How low can you go?...
As a child I used to suffer mildly from ADD. As an adult I now try to avoid any chemical stimulation. Even caffine. My natural lows are quite low enough thank you very much. And I prefer to surf my ocassional unexplicable waves of euphoria unassisted towards the beach of sanity. Whatsmore I now enjoy my Tuesdays again.
The bubble has burst. My brief infatuation is over. "Into The Deep" at the IMAX on Saturday was disappointing. I think I will give it one last try though and go and see Dolphins.
Friday, April 20, 2001
Not that I've been working too hard mind you. Just getting ready for the weekend. Tomorrow I'm working at Expectations in the morning (more on that another time...). In the afternoon we're going to the IMAX (again). This time to see "Into The Deep" in 3D. Should be fab. There's six of us going this time. And then on for an early supper. After that a few beers and then back to ours to play games - we'll probably stay up all night if the beer lasts! I've been compiling another Pop Quiz and we have some old scores in Super Bomberman to settle too. Can't wait.
Our prays are answered....
Too good to be true? No more lost posts? We'll see.
Thursday, April 19, 2001
It's the real thing...
After last week's revelation about the new "self-chopping" cocaine comes the Guardian's article on use and price comparisons. Now there's another reason to not go to Glasgow.
Marc Almond's new single will be called 'Glorious' and should be out on June 11th. It'll have four tracks on it, the bonus tracks being Fur and Give In. You can listen to the title track here. Thanks to the wonderful Michelle at Theatre of Marc Almond for this info.
Wednesday, April 18, 2001
One finger, one thumb keep moving...
"It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse. I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking their finger up my bum." Full story here.
What a waste of a day...
Spent the day at home
1. Waiting for BT engineer to turn up
2. Explaining to BT engineer what the fault was (yet again)
3. Watching BT engineer crawl round on the floor fixing the broken socket and laying new cable for my extension (took him nearly 5 hours!) Cute though.
4. Watching Now Vovager on TV (hard to believe it but I've never seen it before). The BT engineer watched a bit of it too. Hmm. I had a feeling he was sticking his bum out a bit too much to be completely straight.
5. Arguing with BT customer services over compensation for loss of service (eventually settled on £121.41)
Tuesday, April 17, 2001
BT are a bunch of bobba bobba bobba...
My BT phone is dead (still). The problem was first reported Saturday 7th April (10 days ago). I won't bore you with my tale of woe, of appointments missed and promises broken. Needless to say I'm pissed off. Big time. I'm not alone.
The AI hype has started big time...
"Hey Jonathan, This is my first time contacting you, but I found out something very interesting with the new AI Trailer. Check out the second frame of credits at the end of the trailer and you'll notice a credit to the Sentient Machine Therapist-Jeanine Salla. Type her name in the www.google.com search engine, and see what sites pop up...pretty cool stuff! Keep up the good work, Jonathan!!"
I've gotten four of these today. Look, if I like the sound of your film I'll watch it. OK? Don't try and get me hooked on fake web sites about Anti-Robot Militia or Coalition for Robot Freedom. This isn't viral marketing. It's plague marketing. Get out of my inbox you bastards!
Monday, April 16, 2001
Good films were on TV (finally all is forgiven, Phantom Menace). Good fun was had at Bar Fusion (thanks to Some Like It Hot on the big video screen). Good fun was had at Route 73 with Colin (good pool, good darts and a good jukebox). Good fun was had at the Oak Bar (thanks to Maggie, Gill, Marianne and the gorgeous barman Mark) where we also met Kelly Marie, yes! the Kellie Marie. My head was in a spin. My feet didn't touch the ground. Because she was near to me. My head went round and round. My knees were shaking, baby. My heart it beat like a drum. Boo, Boo. It felt like, it felt like I was in love. And also good fun was had with a certain gentleman called Christian (rather appropriate I thought for Easter) who I bumped into on the way home. Very cute, 26, cute, a nurse, liked me and cute. Did I mention he was cute? All in all a fab weekend from start to finish.
As Drew said yesterday, I love Jesus based holidays. The food's always so good. We went to my parents yesterday for a lovely Easter lunch with all the trimmings and then had a chocolate egg hunt which was also great fun. Back into town we went to Shoot! at Central Station. It was fab. Gladys and Charlie were both there which was a nice surprise. Lots of boys in footie and rugger garb. We'll be going back there soon :)
Saturday, April 14, 2001
I was having a fun day; rebuilding the SCSI subsystem on my home server (OK let me redefine 'fun' for you...) but just heard Arsenal got thrashed by Middlesborough round the corner at Highbury :( Plans are now afoot for a trip to Chariots sauna though and then on to Bar Code followed by Central Station to see Dockyard Doris. So I have a feeling things can only get better. Hope you're all having a fun Easter.
It lived up to it's name too. Went to the IMAX (again) to see Cyberworld 3D (again). Enjoyed it as much as last week. I'm planning a trip to go see their new Dolphins film soon. It's not in 3D but only 2D - but it still looks fabby. After the IMAX we went for some late lunch at Brown's and then on to the Panton Street Odeon to see "Best In Show" - a mockumentary made by and starring one of the guys who made This Is Spinal Tap. It's set around a dog show in the States and is really very funny. All the characters are, as you might imagine, easy/soft targets but it's well played and funny to the end. Catch it on video/DVD if you can.
Friday, April 13, 2001
I had a dream last night. Mark and I both had cancer. His was more advanced than mine and he decided to choose euthanasia. We was insisting the fatal injection be given at night in the moonlight. I fought and pleaded and cried and hugged. I held him at the end. I hate dreams like that. I keep looking up at him today to make sure he's still there.
Marc Almond's new album is going to be out on 18th June. This is the best news I've had in a long time. The "I Created Me" track performed at last year's Christmas show at the Union Chapel was, quite literally, a show stopper. According to Michelle at the Theatre Of Marc Almond site the vibe on the new album is good. "Think big sounds, lush orchestration, a touch of Shirley Bassey, a pinch of a John Barry soundtrack." Sounds like my kind of thing! Can't wait.
Wednesday, April 11, 2001
OK. OK. It wasn't really us who set fire to the Retro Bar last night. Honest. I spoke to Wendy (the manager) earlier. She's been doing carpentry all morning to fix the damage caused by the firemen after we left. They pulled out most of the back part of the bar apart to try and find the source of the burning smell. Eventually they found the cause of the smell - a ventilation motor in the basement was overheating and pumping the smell up to the ground floor where we were sitting.
The Pop Quiz prize money will now roll over to next week. According to Wendy if the quiz hadn't been abandoned then Gary's team (?) would probably have won with 16 points. His team will get a bottle of champagne as compensation next week. Wendy checked all the entry papers and told me that we came second with 15.5 points (who am I to argue?) So again we lose by a nose. What say we go for a full team next week? Darren...? Dave...?
It was just David and I again last night at Pop Quiz. The gorgeous Guy and Neil were on hand to lend much needed moral support. We did OK to start with but it rather fell apart at the end. It was when things started to go really wrong that we hatched our plan. We sailed through the first 9 questions no problem. We spotted Norman Cook in his new video (in a picture on the wall), we knew who wrote a song for Debbie Harry (Alannah Currie and Tom Bailey) and who wrote Only You (Vince Clark). We skilfully recognised Ash's Burn Baby Burn, Crazytown's Butterfly and the Stereophonics' Mr Writer. We even predicted that the track that was going to be played after Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Emma Bunton's What Took You So Long was going to be the Eurythmics' Here Comes The Rain Again (they all have the same line "Talk to me" in them). The musicals round was potentially going to be a toughie. We didn't know that Peter Sallis was in one of the stage versions of Cabaret but so what? That was only our first point dropped. David correctly surmised that it was Kevin Klein who played the Pirate King in The Pirates Of Penzance and a helpful clue from Wendy saved us from thinking that that ruddy witch Audrey Hepburn sang "I Feel Pretty" in My Fair Lady (of course it was Natalie Wood in West Side Story). We shall be haunted by that woman and that song I fear. It was after this point that it all went tits-up. We missed Generation X's Valley of the Dolls, the fact that Bowie's Boys Keep Swinging and Fleetwood Mac's Tusk were both released in 1979 (of course we wrote 1979 and later crossed it out and wrote 1980). We didn't know the chorus to PJ and Duncan's Let's Get Ready To Rumble, couldn't recognise a track by Lush or a Fat Boy Slim track with the word Brighton in it. It was all going so horribly wrong. We were facing an embarrassing defeat. We were desperate. So to save our blushes we decided to torch the building and kill everyone inside. David kept lookout while I dowsed petrol all over the seats. One flick of a match and the place was an inferno. Suffice to say, they won't mess with us again. (David's version of events here).
Tuesday, April 10, 2001
First things first...
First vinyl 7" I ever bought: Heart of Stone by Kenny (1973)
First vinyl 12" I ever bought: California Dreaming by Colorado (1978)
First vinyl EP I ever bought: On Stage EP by Kate Bush (1979)
First vinyl LP I ever bought (not my money): The Sound Of Music (1967)
First vinyl LP I ever bought (my money): Waterloo by Abba (1974)
First cassette single I ever bought: Into Battle by Art Of Noise (1984)
First cassette album I ever bought: Sulk (UK/US version double-sided) by the Associates (1982)
First CD single I ever bought: Got To Be Certain by Kylie Minogue (1988)
First CD album I ever bought: Welcome To The Pleasuredome by Frankie Goes To Hollywood (1984)
First pre-recorded video cassette I ever bought: Kate Bush Live At The Hammersmoth Odeon (1981)
First DVD I ever bought: The Matrix (1999)
I've never bought a MiniDisc or a DVD single (yet!)
Going to IMAX was great last Saturday. We went to see Cyberworld 3D. I'd seen most of the film clips before in 2D but being in 3D made them extra "special". Others have waxed lyrical about IMAX in the past so I don't need to. Suffice to say "GO!" It's brilliant. We're planning our next trip already. Let me know if you wanna come too.
Monday, April 09, 2001
Not feeling much better today...
Thank you very much for all of you who have expressed sympathy over Ollie. I wish I could say I'm feeling better now though. On reflection the weekend "drown your sorrows" tactic was a mistake. I'm still hungover! We gave him a good send off though.
Saturday, April 07, 2001
Rest in Peace little one. Oliver (1990-2001)
Friday, April 06, 2001
When I formed a group of business companies a couple of years ago with my good friend Marcus naturally enough we called the parent organisation the Polari Business Group. We had three companies within the group: Bona Networks Systems UK, Fabe Kitchens and Bathrooms Direct and Vada Electrical Solutions Ltd. All still going strong to this day.
Keep Britain Bona...
I was first introduced to the gay slang language of Polari (sometimes spelt Palare) by listening to Beyond Our Ken and Round the Horne in the sixties as a child. The shows were basically a star vehicle for Kenneth Horne but for me the high point of every show was the Polari-laced sketches performed by Julian and Sandy (Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick respectively). I was only a nipper but I loved all the outrageousness and the scandalous double-entendres even then.
Sample Julian and Sandy sketch #1
Julian: Oooh, Mr Horne! Mr Horne! I great big wave came and we were washed overboard, Mr Horne!
Sandy: We were clinging to the deck. Clinging we were, Mr Horne. To the deck.
Julian: We feared for our very lives, Mr Horne.
Sandy: Our very lives.
Kenneth Horne: How did you save yourselves? Did you manage to drag yourselves up?
Julian: Oooh no. We wore casuals!
Sample Julian and Sandy sketch #2
Kenneth Horne: Would I have vada'd any of them do you think?
Sandy: Oooaaawwh! He's got all the Polari, ain't he?
Julian: [archly] I wonder where he picks it up?
Sandy: Roll up yer trouser legs ... we want to vada yer calves.
Julian: Hmmm ... his scotches may be a bit naff but his plates are bona.
Sample Julian and Sandy sketch #3
Kenneth Horne: Hello, anybody there?
Julian: Hallo I'm Julian and this is my friend Sandy
Sandy: We are the Universal Party. So called because we're at it right, left and centre. Shake hands with your prospective member. That's him.
Julian: That's me, Mr Horne
Kenneth Horne: You Julian?
Julian: Yes, I stand behind the working man.
Sandy: And I stand behind Jule. I'm his Campaign Manager.
The Bona Years (Julian and Sandy's sketches titles)
Bona Bouffant, Bona Homes Estate Agents, Bona homes and fabe gardens, Bona Pets, Bona Tours Ltd, Studio Bona, Bona seats, Bona Productions, Bona Drag, Bona Books, Bona Tattoos, The Ballet Bona, Bona Promotions, Bona Beat songs Ltd., Bona Relations, Bona Performers, Bona Law, Bona Cruise, Bona Antiques, Bona Soulmates, Bona Caterers, Bona Nature, Bona Press, Bona Prods, Bona tax consultants, Bona Bijou tourettes, Bona Sceances, Bona Hunt, La casserole de Bona gourmet, Bona guest house, Bona TV, Body Bona, The lazy Bona Ranch, Bona Gurumat, Bona Indoor Ski School, Bona rags, Bona male model agency, Bona Gift boutique, Bona academy of ballroom dancing, Bona songs, Bona books (again), Keep Britain Bona, Bona Abbey, Bona private detective agency, Bona Language school, Bona Prince Charlie, Bona ads.
Good Links for Polari
Bold he was. Bold.
Gladys (a.k.a. Gorgeous Gordon) has had a tough time of it this week. His bank has screwed up big time. Apparently he now lives at an address in Sheffield (news to him). The bank sent a new debit card there last week and the person who really lives at that address has emptied Gladys' account. Cunts.
By the neon blue wall, 8:30pm, BYOD...
Gladys has arranged for a gang of us to go to the IMAX on Saturday night. All the usual suspects: Wayne, Steve James, Sam Cathcart, Rob & Del, Popcorn Paul, Nicky Nice Boy, me, J. P Raven, Charlie Stewart, Andy Dmonster and Adidas Dave. We'll be in Row G16 to G20, Row H17 to H21, Row J17 to J21, Row K17 to K21 if you wanna join us.
Thursday, April 05, 2001
Change your name
Change your sex
Change your face
Change your online face
Change your hair
Change your clothes
Change your personality
Blarney for Bali...
Now that would have been fun...
"Last week's Ticket Alert announced Jonathan Harvey as the star in MY FAIR LADY-this should have been Jonathan Pryce. Ticketmaster apologises for the error."
Wednesday, April 04, 2001
We hate Jamie Oliver...
Lots of fabby pictures of our furry-tongued friend. Thanks to PopBitch for this link.
Excert from Monopoly tips and tricks...
Know how to conduct yourself as a player (This is the most important principle of all)
Present yourself as the type of player others won't mind losing to.
Most players don't like losing to:
- careless players
- inconsiderate players
Most players don't mind losing to opponents who are...
Why is this so important? MONOPOLY usually cannot be won without gaining the cooperation of players in trades and financial settlements. If you don't have a reasonable rapport with your opponents, you'll have a tough time making beneficial trades. i.e. get their trust then shaft them.
Thanks to brainsluice for reminding me about how much I love Monopoly.
Two things I hate to love...
Having survived the upgrade to IE 6.0 I'm back. I hate to say this but I now love it. It's slimmed down, looks good, is fast and it just "works". Oh dear. I was so ready to bitch, carp and slag it off.
On first launch IE 6.0 takes you to the Microsoft's msn.co.uk site. Annoying but no biggy. There I spotted a link to watch the video of Geri's new single It's Raining Men (which I loathe). It's now 30 minutes later and I've played it six times (four times in a box and twice full screen). I hate to say this but I now love it. She's slimmed down, looks good...
I'm going outside. And I may be some time...
Fire drill this morning. Like they could have picked a wetter day! Having braved the elements once I decided to live dangerously. So I'm currently downloading Internet Explorer 6.0. If I'm not back soon, tell Netscape I'm sorry.
Quiz night last night. Set by Peter. Despite having Darren we lost. Just. It was a tie-breaker. In three different instances we didn't know as much about the Village People as we should have done. We didn't know the lyrics to In The Navy, the fact that one of them was a G.I not a Marine and the opening bars to Go West. We shall be handing in our gay cards by the end of the day. Oh yes, and Ian has good reason to have the hump. Although his other non-"Cream?" margin scribblings were a little wider of the mark I fear.
Tuesday, April 03, 2001
Hey lady, you lady cursing at your life...
Since you asked, David.
I've been to Georgia
I've been to California
I took the "hand" of a preacher man (well he was a vicar and it wasn't just his hand) and we made love in the sun (in a sauna actually)
I've been to Nice (and got mugged)
I've been to (the Isle of) Greece (with a girlfriend first and later with a boyfriend)
I've sipped champagne on a yacht (many times, many places, darling)
I've moved like Harlow (well I didn't wiggle too much) in Monte Carlo (backpacking)
I've showed 'em what I've got (too many times to remember in too many places)
I've been undressed by kings (well, I've been undressed in Kings, the tacky nightclub)
I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see (you'd better believe it!)
I've indeed spent my life exploring subtle whoring (and sometimes not so subtle)
I've even been to Paradise (and Heaven, Bang and Bolts)
And before you ask, yes, I've been to me too!
Forever the same...
Following on from David's "I've never..." item.
I've been to B&Q, Halfords, Homebase, IKEA & Iceland (online and off). I been driving for 22 years. I've been to Scotland. I've got off and on the tube at both Queensway (skating) and Barons Court (some friends live there) many times. I've seen every Derek Jarman film, broken a leg, an ankle and both arms. Ridden a skateboard and those micro scooter things (electric and foot powered). I've watched Dawsons Creek (once), Buffy (twice), Angel (once) and every Star Trek spin-off (but couldn't bring myself to care less about the Bajorans). I've read every Harry Potter (including the two new Comic Relief ones). Remind me again what we have in common, David? :-)
Monday, April 02, 2001
Don't publish and be damned...
I don't care what the Guardian's article on Popbitch says about how they are strapped for cash. Since they didn't print my Erasure sex-and-drugs binge scoop they can close for all I care.
Sunday, April 01, 2001
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime...
Contrary to any rumour, Mark and I did not go to Amsterdam to get married. We were simply there to paint the town red by way of celebration for Stuart's birthday. And boy did we do some painting. On the first night alone we ransacked Havana, April, Casa Maria, Argos, the Eagle, the Cuckoo's Nest, the Web and the C-Ring. We left no turn unstoned. Many, many men. Noteworthy were a boy called Vim and a boy called Oover who both lived up to their names - sounding as they do like cleaning products. Naturally we shall be keeping in touch with each and every one. Not! There may have been marriage in the air but our vows were more along the lines of "íTil dawn do us part."
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