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Crawling through technology, life and love

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Pool Paradise - GC on Wii

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troubled diva

Books recently read:
Time Out Guide to Havana (and Cuba)
And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks - William S Burroughs and Jack Kerouac
At My Mother's Knee ... and Other Low Joints: The Autobiography - Paul O'Grady
Star Maker - Olaf Stapledon
My Booky Wook - Russell Brand
When You Are Engulfed in Flames - David Sedaris
Then We Come To The End - Joshua Ferris
A Spot of Bother - Mark Haddon
The End of Mr. Y - Scarlett Thomas
I Never Knew That About London - Christopher Winn
The Arsenal Miscellany - Adam Gold
Young Hearts Run Free: The Real Story of the 1970s - Dave Haslam
Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs
Veronika Decides To Die - Paulo Coelho
Time Out Guide - Amsterdam
Lillian's Story - Kate Grenville
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Schott's Original Miscellany - Ben Schott
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J K Rowling
A Gay History Of Britain - Matt Cook
Time Out Guide to Madrid
Time Out Guide to New York
Kingdom Come - J. G. Ballard
The Hours - Michael Cunningham
Mutants - Aramand Marie Leroi
A Young Man's Passage - Julian Clary
Growing Pains - Billie Piper
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
Highbury: The Story of Arsenal N.5 - Jon Spurling
Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins - Rupert Everett
Affinity - Sarah Waters
Lighthousekeeping - Jeanette Winterson
Tipping The Velvet - Sarah Waters
The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
Of Human Bondage - W Somerset Maugham
Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
Lucky Man - Michael J Fox
Labyrinth - Kate Mosse
Fingersmith - Sarah Waters
The Night Watch - Sarah Waters
The Pedant's Revolt - Andrea Barham
The Republic Of Trees - Sam Taylor
Written On tbe Body - Jeanette Winterson
Untold Stories - Alan Bennett
The Plot Against America - Philip Roth
Read All About It - Max Clifford
The Folding Star - Alan Hollinghurst
Thursbitch - Alan Garner
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris
Staying Alive - Matt Beaumont
The Bookseller Of Kabul - Asne Seierstad
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince - J K Rowling
A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
Count Karlstein - Philip Pullman
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
The Spell - Alan Hollinghurst
The Double Life Of Daniel Glick - Maurice Caldera
The Smoking Diaries - Simon Gray
Straight- Boy George
Digital Fortress - Dan Brown
Deception Point - Dan Brown
The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith
Angels and Demons - Dan Brown
Sydney - Time Out Guide
Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
Eleanor Rigby - Douglas Coupland
The Scarecrow and His Servant - Philip Pullman
Tha Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
Planet Simpson - Chris Turner
The Line Of Beauty - Alan Hollinghurst
Barcelona - Time Out Guide
The Closed Circle - Jonathan Coe
The Clerkenwell Tales - Peter Ackroyd
Copenhagen - TimeOut Guide
The Butterfly Tattoo - Philip Pullman
The Broken Bridge - Philip Pullman
In Search of the Pleasure Palace - Marc Almond
Brick Lane - Monica Ali
Vernon God Little - DBC Pierre
Last Exit To Brooklyn - Hubert Selby Jr
You Shall Know Our Velocity - Dave Eggers
Touching The Void - Joe Simpson
Life Of Pi - Yann Martel
Istanbul - Time Out Guide
Millennium People - J G Ballard
The Duchess Who Wouldn't Sit Down - Jesse Browner
Hey Nostradamus! - Douglas Coupland
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynne Truss
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami
Our Man In Havana - Graham Greene
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon
Lyra's Oxford - Philip Pullman
Doran - Will Self
Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
the book, the film, the t-shirt - matt beaumont
High Society - Ben Elton
Man And Wife - Tony Parsons
I Was A Rat - Philip Pullman
Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix - J R Rowling
Great Apes - Will Self
Barrel Fever - David Sedaris
Round Ireland With A Fridge - Tony Hawkes
Close Range - Annie Proux
The Third Way - Anthony Giddens
dot.con - John Cassidy
The Salmon of Doubt - Douglas Adams
One Hit Wonderland - Tony Hawkes
The Thief Lord - Cornelia Funke
The Corrections - Jonathan Franzen
The Cloud Sketcher - Richard Rayner
Keane: the Autobiography - Roy Keane
A Wasteland of Strangers - Bill Pronzini
The English - Jeremy Paxman
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - Toby Young
Dead Famous - Ben Elton
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman (again)
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman (again)
The Bear and The Dragon - Tom Clancy
101 Reykjavik - Hallgrimur Helgason
Forward The Foundation - Isaac Asimov
Carter Beats The Devil - Glen David Gold
The Tin Princess - Philip Pullman
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Tiger In The Well - Philip Pullman
The Rotters Club - Jonathan Coe
Generation X - Douglas Copeland
Perfume - Patrick Suskind
All Families Are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland
The Shadow In The North - Phillip Pullman
No Logon - Naomi Klein
The Dirt - Motley Crue
Miss Wyoming - Douglas Coupland
The Amber Spyglass - Phillip Pullman
The Subtle Knife - Phillip Pullman
Northern Lights - Phillip Pullman
The Ruby in the Smoke - Phillip Pullman
The Sandman - Miles Gibson
Blood and Gold: The Vampire Marius - Anne Rice
The Actrocity Exhibition - J G Ballard
Shameless - Paul Burston
Sing Out! - Boze Hadleigh
Brilliant Orange - David Winner
New Boy - William Sutcliffe
London - Peter Ackroyd
Wonder Boys - Michael Chabon
One For My Baby - Tony Parsons
How To Be Good - Nick Hornby
White Teeth - Zadie Smith
Lust - Geoff Ryman
Tulip Fever - Deborah Moggach
Dead Souls - Ian Rankin
The House Of Sleep - Jonathan Coe
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius - Dave Eggers
What a carve up! - Jonathan Coe
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - Michael Chabon
The Grapes Of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Heartwood - James Lee Burke
Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson
Man and Boy - Tony Parsons
The Map Of Love - Ahdaf Soueif
e - Matt Beaumont
The e Before Christmas - Matt Beaumont


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Friday, February 28, 2003
Thought for the Day...
In spite of the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

Thursday, February 27, 2003
Curb Your Enthusiasm...
From today's Guardian TV Review of last night's telly: "Curb Your Enthusiasm (BBC4)? Not difficult." I agree. I fell asleep after 10 minutes.

Pop Star in Porn Probe...
I guess this guy from Massive Attack now needs some Pro-tec-tion. He may be no Angel but is he Sly? He must be shedding a Teardrop or two and Daydreaming he was Safe From Harm. I feel a bit sorry for him spending six hours in a police cell - unless he's guilty, of course! But if he is proven innocent he can expect some Unfinished Sympathy from me.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Tight Fit...
Apparently the allocated space for passenger's on the tube is 25 square centimetres per person during rush hour. Breathe in.

UPDATE: Of course, I meant 25 centimetres square. D'oh! 25 square centimetres is 5cm x 5cm = 25sq cm. 25 centimetres square is 25cm x 25cm = 625sq cm. Big difference - but still a tight fit!

It Should Have Been Me...
I saw my love walking down the aisle
& as he passed me by, he turned & he smiled
The preacher joined their hands
& all the people began to stand
When I shouted:

"You know that should have been me
Instead of him walking with you
You know that it should have been me
Getting ready to marry you
Darling, darling
You made a promise that we'd never part
& then you turned around & broke my heart
Now you're standing there saying 'I do'
Holding hands with somebody new
It should have been me
Instead of him standing by you
You know that it should have been me
Getting ready to say 'I do'!"

Then the preacher asked, "Will there be silence, please?
If any objections to this wedding
Speak now or forever, forever hold your peace"
Then I shouted:

"It should have been me
You know that it should have been me
You know that it should have been me
Darling, how could you do this to me?
People let me tell you now
It should have been me
Instead of him standing by you
You know that it should have been me
I've always been faithful & true!"

Contratulations, Sparky. It couldn't ahappen to a nicer guy.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Shit happens...
I'm having a shitty day at work today. Unusual for me, but it was shitty yesterday too. Everything* is going wrong (it's not all my fault, incidentally, but it's me that has to clear it all up).

*By 'Everything' I actaully mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

TV Star...
I was on TV again this morning. One person I told, one person guessed and one person I wanted to keep it quite from. Tee, hee.

Monday, February 24, 2003
The Resurrection Shuffle...
This is super cool dancing. Watch out for the second guy in the red top.

Catch Me If You Can?...
Don't bother. Predictable, over-long and a bit boring. Not your typical Spielberg.

Friday, February 21, 2003
Can horses sing?...
Of course they can. Go play with them.

Working 9 to 5...
When I first got a job (many moons ago) I worked 7:45am to 4:45pm. With each job since the hours seemed to have slipped later and later or been reduced. And in keeping with that trend our hours have just been changed at my present place of work. For years they have been rigidly set at 9am to 5:30pm. But now they are 9am to 5pm with the option of starting anywhere between 8:30am and 9:30am and finishing between 4:30pm and 5:30pm. Not exactly flexi time but a big improvement as far as I'm concerned. So now I can sleep in an extra half hour now and miss the worst of the morning rush-hour without feeling too guilty. I don't suppose it'll stop me working through to my usual 7pm/8pm though. And if I occasionally want to leave work early I can get in at 8:30am and bugger off at 4:30pm. Nice.

Thursday, February 20, 2003
The Brits...
Rumour has it that at tonight's BRIT Awards Ceremony in Earls Court Justin Timberlake and Kylie will be performing a duet of Blondie's Rapture.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I've just bought the t.A.T.u. album 200km/h In The Wrong Lane (the UK version with the extra track, videos etc.) and after a few listens I have to say... loving it.

Daddy Blogger and Mummy Google have tied the knot. May they have many happy bouncy blogoogle-babies together.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003
The 80s women are back...
Claudia Brucken (Propaganda) and Kate Bush are both set to release new albums in 2003. But when?

Songs that Kiki and Herb cover...
Just in case you've seen their show and can't place a song.

2 out of 3 Ain't Bad -- Meatloaf
7 or in 10 -- Geraldine Fibbers
A Lover Spurned -- Marc Almond
Actress -- Melanie
All That Jazz -- "Chicago"
Bar Italia -- Pulp
Barracuda -- Heart
Beauty Regime -- Divine Comedy
Big Time -- Suede
Butch -- Geraldine Fibbers
Charlotte Rampling -- Bambi Lake
Cherish -- Association
Cold -- Annie Lennox
Come Sail Away -- Styx
Common People -- Pulp
Creep -- Radiohead
Crucify -- Tori Amos
Crucifying Jesus -- Tigerlillies
Cry No More -- Poison Girls
Dancing Queen -- Abba
Deep Inside -- Mary J Blige
Dominique -- The Singing Nun
Exit Music For A Film -- Radiohead
Fire And Ice -- Pat Benatar
Fox In The Snow -- Belle and Sebastein
Fuck The Pain Away -- Peaches
Get and Stay Famous -- Momus
Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You? -- Stevie Nicks
Heroin -- Velvet Underground
Holiday -- BeeGees
I Was Made For Loving You -- Kiss
I Would Do Anything For Love -- Meatloaf
If -- Divine Comedy
If You Were Born Today -- Low
I'm On Fire -- Bruce Springsteen
I'm Ugly (And I Don't Know Why) -- Butt Trumpet
Institutionalized -- Suicidal Tendencies
Johnny Mathis' Feet -- American Music Club
Keep On Loving You -- REO Speedwagon
Lay Down (Candles In The Rain) -- Melanie
Lazy Afternoon -- John Latouche
Like a Snowman -- Stephin Merritt
Lillybelle -- Geraldine Fibbers
Linger -- Cranberries
Life in a Glass House -- Radiohead
Loveboat Theme -- Paul Williams
Make Yourself Comfortable -- Bob Merrill
Maoist Intellectual -- Momus
Miss World -- Hole
My One and Only Love -- Guy Wood and Robert Mellin
No Surprises -- Radiohead
Normal -- Tigerlillies
Oh Happy Day -- Edwin Hawkins Singers
Old Age -- Hole
Open Arms -- Journey
Pantomime Horse -- Suede
Paranoid -- Black Sabbath
Pina Colada Song -- Rupert Holmes
Prisoner -- Barbra Streisand
Purple Rain -- Prince
Putting Out Fire (With Gasoline) -- David Bowie
Rainbow Connection -- The Muppet Movie
Rid Of Me -- PJ Harvey
Running Up That Hill -- Kate Bush
Seasons of Love -- "Rent"
Smells Like Teen Spirit -- Nirvana
Stairway To Heaven -- Led Zeppelin
Surrender -- Cheap Trick
The Fear -- Pulp
The King Must Die -- Elton John
Thin Ice -- Pink Floyd
This is Hardcore -- Pulp
This Woman's Work -- Kate Bush
Those Were The Days -- Mary Hopkin
Times Square -- Marianne Faithfull
Tonight's The Kind of Night -- Melanie
Total Eclipse Of The Heart -- Jim Steinman
Tubthumping -- Chumbawumba
Untouchable -- Rialto
Walking The Cow -- Daniel Johnston
We Are Floating In Space -- Spiritualized
When Doves Cry -- Prince
Whitey's On The Moon -- Gil-Scott Heron
Who By Fire? -- Leonard Cohen
Why -- Annie Lennox
Windmills of My Mind -- Michel Legrand
Wish You Were Here -- Pink Floyd
Without You -- Nillson
You Placed a Chill In My Heart -- Eurythmics

Monday, February 17, 2003
Billie Ray Martin vs Repulsion...
In an occasional series of guest postings here is Darren's review of Billie Ray Martin at the ICA last month.

ICA Saturday 4th January

The ICA’s series of screenings of classic films with new live soundtracks has produced such gems as Ladytron scoring cult sci-fi flick ‘Tron’ and Gorodisch providing a musical backdrop to 70’s horror movie ‘The Wicker Man’ however, the paring of onetime S-Express vocalist, former Electribe 101 front woman and ‘Your Loving Arms’ hit maker, Billie Ray Martin with Roman Polanski’s 1960’s hallucinatory psychological drama ‘Repulsion’ could only be described as sheer genius.

‘Repulsion’, a stunning portrait of the mental and emotional meltdown of a shy, young Belgian girl left alone in her sister’s Kensington flat, where she becomes reclusive and retreats into a terrifying world of fantasies and nightmares, lends itself perfectly to the lyrics of the German uber-diva’s songs of emotional torment, with her deliciously skewed view of love and lust perfectly marrying the themes of the film in which a sexually repressed Catherine Deneuve descends into madness.

‘Hello, Hold On’, from Billie’s 18-Carat Garbage album, contains the immortal line, “And no honey, you’re not insane, just Jackson Pollock in your brain” which for anyone familiar with the great artist’s work is pretty messed up and perfectly describes the young woman’s state of mind as she battles with her demons (Deneuve not Billie!).

Accompanied by a solitary keyboard player, the extremely talented Clifford Slapper (surely not his real name), Billie visibly delighted her fans with acoustic versions of songs from her repertoire including re-workings of Electribe 101’s ‘You’re Walking’ and ‘Talking With Myself’ and a beautifully stripped down version of her club classic ‘Your Loving Arms’, which would surely be a huge hit all over again if this touching rendition were to be released.

It was Billie’s inspired choice of cover versions however, that made this show so very special. The Carpenters ‘Rainy Days And Mondays’ and ‘Solitaire’, Liza Minielli’s ‘Losing My Mind’, Patsy Cline’s ‘Crazy’, This Mortal Coil’s ‘Song To The Siren’ and The Velvet Underground’s ‘Sunday Morning’, were all given the BRM treatment, delivered in her inimitable vocal style with a delightful mixture of humour and emotion, with the piece de resistance being her version of The Sparks ‘This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us’ sublimely accompanying a scene were Deneuve murders her lecherous landlord with a cut-throat razor.

As Billie sang the melancholy ‘Heart’ from the 4 Ambient Tales E.P. and the film credits began to roll the appreciative audience at the ICA, which included DJ’s Wayne G, and Stewart Who? and Mark Moore from S-Express must have felt privileged to have witnessed what was one of those truly extraordinary events where what they had seen was both original and exciting and very, very special. Boyz scribe, Jack Hanley once said of Billie Ray Martin, “No-one seems to understand that one of the greatest soul voices of the 21st Century belongs to a stroppy white German bird.”, and this amazing show just goes to further prove that if there were any justice in the world the name Billie Ray Martin would be talked about in the same breath as the World’s greatest soul divas.

Juggy (I’m not biased) Jones

Saturday, February 15, 2003
But you can decide whether I suck or not for yourself....
Hi Jonathan,
I just wanted to ask you nicely to take a look at my site, as I've greatly enjoyed yours. (Also made me think about redesign, but I am in Paraguay...) Maybe even give me a link as I'm sure you have twenty (thousand) times the visitors I do (violins). It's a travel diary, which - I am told - differs from a blog in a couple of ways. I think these are that it's updated weekly rather than daily, tends to be much longer and doesn't make much use of links. Still, I may be wrong. I am also told that it's rather better than the average. But you can decide whether I suck or not for yourself. Even if you can't be bothered to wade through my banal verbal bilgewater are lots of nice pictures too, including penis gourds and big stone penises (at a fertility temple, still I get a lot of surfers looking for fruitier suff) the big jars of laos, the big heads of easter island, dog eating and dried llama foetuses. All manner of freaky imagery from the globe's stranger corners Sadly, I suspect these are rather more popular than the writing. Tant pis. Anyway:
All on
Cheers, Rhymer Rigby

Friday, February 14, 2003
Happy Valentine's Day...
It's not the men in my life - it's the life in my men...

Thursday, February 13, 2003
Fitness First...
It had to happen. After months of pressure from my boyfriend, my boss, my doctor and my tummy against my waistband I've joined a gym. It wasn't just direct pressure alone that made me join either, no longer being a size 32" waist anymore was beginning to leave emotional scars too and theatening to cost me a small fortune in buying replacement pairs of jeans. And coupled with the fact that I now pant and puff after climbing even a short flight of stairs meant that the gym seemed the only honourable / sensible thing to do.

So yesterday was my Fitness First induction with the lovely Andy (think Simpson's McBain) and today I went for the first time all by myself: 10 mins running machine, 10 mins cross-trainer, 10 mins cycling machine and half an hour on four weight machines. And I feel better for it - albeit a bit achy.

The other up side to this is that my company let's me take time off work to go and even pays a fair proportion of the membership costs as well. And the gym has a free DVD/video library too. So maybe I'll stick to this one a bit longer than the last. Maybe.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Three sheets to the wind...
The beautiful Russian lady, L'Esqualita, was asking me yesterday what "three sheets to the wind" means.

It means "drunk". "Three sheets to the wind" apparently comes from the nautical expression "in full sail". More than three sheets (sails) indicate imminent keeling over as the steep angle to the water meant that a vessel could be about to capsize. So being "three sheets to the wind" in alcoholic terms means you're in danger of falling over.

Which got me thinking. There are hundreds of terms for being or getting drunk in the English language. More than there are terms for "snow" in Eskimo I'd be bound.

Here are some 700 odd that I found...

12 gauged, 3 quarts drunk, 3 sheets to the wind, 40 under, 86'ed, 9 sheets to the wind, about to chunder, airlocked, anesthetized, animated, annihilated, armchaired, armeisce, arsefaced, arse-holed, assed up, back teeth well afloat, badgered, banged-up, banjoed, barfelnugen, battered, bazookaed out of my endoplasmic reticulum, beer-gogglin', beery, befuddled, beltered, bent, beschmuddled, betty booped, Betty Ford-ed, beved up, bevied, biffed, binned, binnered, blacken'd, bladdered, blasted, blathered, blazed, blazooed, bleazin', blended, blind, blit, blithered, blitzed, blitzkrieged, blocked, bloody pissed, blootered, blotto, blotto'd, blown, blued, bluthered, boiled, boinked, bollixed, bollock-eyed, bollowed, bomb-boozled, bombed, bonkered, boofy blitzed, boogered up, boozy, boozed, Boris Yeltsin, both eyes in one socket, bottlestruck, boxed, brewed, bricked, bucked up, buckled, buckled, buggered, buicked, bulletproof, bumfuzzled, burgled, busheled, busted up, buttered, buttfaced, buzzed, buzzing, cabbaged, caked, Canadian, can't hit your ass with both hands, captained, carrying too much sail, carvered, cased, casters up, catching a heat, chootled, chopped, clattered, clobbered, clobstered, cocido, cocked, cocked off your ass, cock-eyed, comatose, comfortably numb, commode hugging, conked, cookin' with gas, cootered, cop-sluggin' drunk, corroded, crapped, crocked, crocodiled, crooked, cross-eyed, crumpled, crunk, crushed, cunted, curbed, cut, d.u.i.ed, dacked!, damaged, debacled, debauched, denatured, destroyed, diced, didn’t know your own name, dinged up, dingleberried, discombobulated, disorientated, diZZy, done, down the drain, down under, drank, dripping, dronken, drowned, drunk, drunk as 10 Indians, drunk as a bicycle, drunk as a fiddler's bitch, Drunk as a lord, drunk as a monk, drunk as a mule, drunk as a rat, drunk as a skunk, drunk as fuck, drunk like Sinatra, drunk till next sunday, drunk to the nines, drunker than a sack of assholes, drunker than a shithouse rat, drunker than a Southern Baptist Preacher at a High School Dance, drunker than a waltzing piss ant, drunker than Cooter Brown, easy, eatin' dirt, effed up, el whappo'd, elephants, elevated, embalmed, entre deux vins, eyes like piss holes in the snow, faced, faded, fallen down, farshnushked, feelin' pain free, feng shuied, filled with courage, fired up, fitzschnookered, five winos gone, fizzaded, fizzy, flambayed, flower-potted, flurbed, flush, flustered, fluthered, fluthered, flying in the dirt, fnarkled, foggy, folded, foobed, Fou, foxed, fractured, Franz Liszt, Frazzled, Fresh, fried, Fruit Looped, fubar, fubar'd, fuck faced, fucked, fucked up, fuckered, fuckfaced, fuddled, fueled, full, Full as a shuck, full as a state school hat rack, Full up to the gills, fully loaded, Fung Hoed, fup duck, Fuzzy, fwasted, fwazzed, gargled, gas'd, gashed, gassed up, gatted, gazompt'd, gee-eyed, giggly, gitted, glazed, glazed like a $3 whore, Goggle-eyed, gone, gone Canadian, goo goo eyed, gooched, goofied, googly, gooned, got a snootful, got the wobbly boots on, grass grabbin', graved, greased, groggy, gubbered, gut fucked, guts up, guttered, habuji, half cut, half in the bag, half in the wrapper, half-jigged, half-kicked in the ass, half-shaved, half-cut, halfway to Baghdad, hammered, hammied, happy, have a bit of a lean on, Hazy, heated, heavy drunk, heckled, helmetschmitted, hickory-smoked, hog whimpering, hog wild, hooched up, hooshed, hosed, housed, howling, humidified, hurt, illuminated, in a delicate condition, In a right jocker, in the bag, in the grip of the grape, in the ozone, in your cups, inebriated, inflaminated, intoxicated, invincible, invisi-blind, irish, jack assed, Jaegered, jagged, jaked, Jam-jarred, Jarred, Jimmy Hendrixed, Joe B'd, jolly, joused, juiced, kaiboshed, kalide, keemooed, kershnickered, kettled, keyed, knackered, knee walking, knee-walkin' pecker wavin' drunk, lagered up, laid back, lamped, Langered, langered, Langers, lappy legged, larruped, Lashed, lashed, lathered up, leathered, legless, less than vital, Levelled, licked (as in liquored up), liggidy-loaded, liquidated, liquored, lit, lit up, lit up like Christmas, liver-lubed, loaded, locked, looped, loose, lost in the sauce, lubed, lubricated, macked, mad with it, maggoted, maggotty, mangled, marinated, Mary Queen of Scots, mashed, Mellow, merloaded, merry, messed up, mingin, moistened, mollared up, monged, monkey assed, monstered, moonshined, mortal, mortalled, mouldy, mowed over, muddled, mulakered, mullered, mullocked, munted, muttonised (off me chops), Muzzy, Nevers a wit coming, newted, nicely boxed, nished, nissed as a pewt, noodled, Not in full possession of your faculties, not in Kansas anymore, Not the best, Not well, numb, obfuscated, obliterated, off my ringer, off my trolley, off tap, off the plank, off your ass, off your face, off your head, off your tits, oiled, on autopilot, on the beer scooter, on the turps, on tilt, ongeshnoshked, oodled, ork faced, ossified, out of it, out of my gourd, out of my tree, out of your face, out of your head, over refreshed, over served, packaged, pacté (French), painted, pants-shittin' drunk, paralytic, parkbenched, pasted, pedo, perked, pervin', pickled, pickled to the tonsils, pie-eyed, pie-faced, piffed, pished, piss-ass backwards, piss-ass drunk, pissed, pissed as a fart, pissed as a maggot, pissed as a mattress, pissed as a newt, pissed as a parrot, pissed up, pissitively possed, piss-tanked, pissy, pissy-eyed drunk, pist, pixelated, plastered , plastic, ploogooed, plotzed, plowed, plundered, pluttered, po na na'd, poleaxed, polished, polluted, poo poo'ed, popped, porcelain-ready, potted, power wasted, puddled, raddled, ranked, rare form, rat assed, rat faced, ratted, razzed, riding on a full tank, right sidewayed, rip roaring, ripe, ripped, ripped to the tits, rocked, rooted, rotten, rubbered, ruined, running on premium, sacked, sailin', sauced, saucey, schickered, schlitzed, schmaltzed, schnockered, schwacked, scoobied, scoopered, scrambled, scraped, screwed, scuttered, scuttled, seasoned, shackled, shattered, shedded, shellacked, shit babied, shit bombed, shit hammered, shit housed, shit licked, shit wrecked, shitbagged on the pemi, shitcanned, shitfaced, shittowed, shitty, shitty-ass-nasty, shnockered, shredded, shwallied, shwilly, sidewalk lickin' drunk, sideways, simmerin', skankers, skanky, skinned, skitted, skulled, skunked, slam hammered, slammed, slap-ass drunk, slaughtered, slightly less than perpendicular, slitted, sloppy, sloppy like soup, sloshed, slotted, smacked up, smackerooed, smashed, smoked, smothered, snatch't, snicker-doodled, snockered, snookered, snooted, snot-flying drunk, "snot-suckin, knee walkin, gutter sleepin drunk", soaked to the gills, sober impaired, soused, sozzled, spaghetti-headed, spangled, spanked, spannered, sparkling like the 4th of July, spaz-ratted, spent, splotched, squiffy, squirrely, steamed, steaming, stewed, stewed to the gills, stiff, stink whistled, stinken, stink'in, stinko paralytico, stinko'd, stinky drunk, stocious, stokered, stolichnyed, stonkered, stumblin', stupid, stupified, swacked, swallied, sweatin' stoli, sweaved, swerved, swilled, swizzled, tacoed, tajado, tanked, tanked up, tankered, tatered, tattooed, taxed, Ted Kennedy-ed, teetered, ten feet tall and bulletproof, terminated, the worse for wear, thrashed, three sheets to the wind, tiddly, tight, tile counting, time traveling, tippled, tipsy, tired and emotional, tit tickled, tits up, tizzed, to' up from the flo' up, toasted, toastified, toe-up, toilet huggin' drunk, toodled, toonst, tooted, toozered, tore back, tore up, torn, toshed, totalled, toxic, trampled, trashed, trashed out of my bracket, treed, trolleyed, trousered, tubed, twatted, tweaked, tweeter-myer'd, twisted, two sheets to the wind, Under the influence, under the weather, untidy, unwell, upside-down behind the telly, vision-impaired, waazey, waa-zooed, wacked, walking calamady, wanked hard, wankered, warped, washed, wasted, waxed, wazzed, wearin' sake goggles, wearing a big hat, wearing the wobbly boots, weeble wobbled, welched, well gone, well oiled, Wellied, Wellon, wet, wet as a wanker's whistle, whack-assed, whaled, what the fucked, wheelchaired, wheeled, wide, wined, wingdinged, wiped, Wipered, wire faced, wobbly, wobbly kneed, woozey, worked, wrecked, zambonied, zeroed, zinged, zipped, zoned, zonged, zonked, zooted.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Soft Cell at the Shepherd's Bush Empire...
Sometimes you are just blown away by a gig. It happened to me in 2001 with Goldfrapp (I've just booked tickets for their show in May BTW) and it happened to me again on Friday night with Soft Cell. Everything was right: great company (Paul my ex who is a big early Soft Cell and Marc fan), great venue (the SBE manages to be big yet strangely intimate), great band (did I mention I'm a Soft Cell fan?), great performances from the dynamic duo and to top it off a great set-list.

Sometimes a set-list can get forgotten in the reviews of gigs you read in magazines and on the web. Not that you want to spoil it for people who haven't seen they perofrm but the actual songs and their order in which a band plays them are often critical as to whether you enjoy a gig. It's not just a matter of "did they play the hits?" but how they played them, in what order, was there a B-side, an obscure or little known track or was there a cover that surprises and delights?

Well the set-list last Friday was magnificent.

Darker Times
Le Grand Guignol
Divided Soul
Surrender to a Stranger
Last Chance
Loving You, Hating Me
Mr. Self-Destruct
The Best Way to Kill
Together Alone
Caligula Syndrome
The Night
Soul Inside
Art of Falling Apart
(encore #1)
Insecure Me
(encore #2)
Tainted Love
Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
Sex Dwarf

(Any omissions or mistakes in this list are because I was three sheets to the wind - so all corrections gratefully received!)

Monday, February 10, 2003
1920's Gay Dancing Party...
Check out this sign I found deep down in the basement of the Aragon Ballroom, a 20's dance palace where we're hosting a party tonight...

[Thanks for the pic, Carl]

Friday, February 07, 2003
Imagination at work...
How fantatsic is this?!!!! A floating pen at overyourhead! How a go!
(Thanks to Roger for the link.)

I need to scalp another ticket for tonight? Anyone got any tips on how to deal with touts at venue?

Soft Cell...
Yippie! Guess where I'm going tonight?

Thursday, February 06, 2003
Have fun with Bush. Very funny.
(Thanks to Guy for the link)

Pop Quiz (answers)
01. Fontella Bass
02. 1965
03. Levi Sta-Prest range and Flat Eric
04. Your House was very small With woodchip on the wall When I came round to call You didn't notice me at all
05. Queens Of The Stone Age
06. Busta Rhymes
07. 'I'm A Slave 4 U' and 'Baby One More Time'
08. 'Oops! I Did It Again' and 'Overprotected'
09. 'Born To Make You Happy' and 'Boys'
10. 'Turn'
11. 'Side'
12. 'Sing'
13. 1972
14. 1974
15. Laura Croft: Tomb Raider
16. Bono, The Edge, Adam Crayton and Larry Mullen Jr.
17. 22
18. Holly Valance and Felicity 'Flick' Scully
19. 1988
20. Xpress2 and David Byrne

Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Pop Quiz
Oh dear, oh dear. At last night's Pop Quiz Darren and I equalled the worse score we had ever got. A measly 9 out of 20. Our excuse? Too many questions like "What year...? (ugh!) and too many questions that started with those dreaded words "I want the exact answer..." (so you could get one word of a title wrong). And the final excuse is that there was this guy there who was so cute we kept accidentally flicking our pen on the floor so distracted were we by him. Eventually we even started to call him 'pen-flicking gorgeous'. Ok, Ok, perhaps you had to be there.

And our team name? Why 'Lana Clarkson's Wall Of Sound', of course. The winner got 16 and a half and won the cash - £51.

The quiz was generally based around the letters N to Z.

01. Who was the featured artist on Nu Generation's 'In Your Arms (Rescue Me)'?
02. What year was the original 'Rescue Me' a hit?
03. What exactly was 'Flat Beat' by Mr. Oizo (Quentin Dupieux) used to advertise and that was the puppet's name?
04. What are the next 22 words on Pulp's 'Disco 2000' after: "Oh Deborah, do you recall..."
05. Who had a single called No One Knows and an LP called Songs For The Deaf?
06. Which rapper had a single called 'Make It Clap'?
07. What Britney Spears' song starts with "I know I may be young But, I've got feelings' too..."? And what Britney Spears' song starts with "Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know..."?
08. What Britney Spears' song starts with "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ..."? And what Britney Spears' song starts with " need time, love, joy I need space, love I need me ..."?
09. What Britney Spears' song starts with "I'm sitting here alone up in my room And thinking about the times that we've been through ..."? And what Britney Spears' song starts with "I spotted you dancing You made all the girls stare ..."?
10. What Travis song starts with "I want to see what people saw I want to feel like I felt before..."?
11. What Travis song starts with "Well I believe there's something watching over you They're watching every single thing you say..."?
12. What Travis song starts with "Baby, you've been going so crazy Lately, nothing seems to be going right ..."?
13. What year did Mott The Hoople have a hit with 'All The Young Dudes'?
14. What year did Queen have a hit with 'Killer Queen'?
15. What film did U2's 'Elevation' promote?
16. Name all the members of U2?
17. How many top 10 hits have U2 had?
18. Who had a hit with 'Kiss, Kiss' recently and what is her soap character's name?
19. What year was Erasure's 'A Little Respect' a hit?
20. Who had a hit with 'Lazy' last year and who was the featured artist?

Tuesday, February 04, 2003
The World of Pop...
What is the world of pop coming to? Michael Jackson (how sick was that interview last night?), t.A.T.u. (just bought the single and have gone off it already), Phil Spector (so if I had $1m could I kill someone too?) and now Courtney Love (digging her own Hole?) are all making the headlines for all the wrong reasons. I long for the day gone by when our pop stars were a clean-living, purer, less controversial breed. People like Jonathan King, Gary Glitter and Pete Townsend. Er, wait...

The World According to the United States of America...

Thanks to Guy for the pic.

Monday, February 03, 2003
These are the sort of e-mails I love from my father...
From: "Jon Green"
To: "Jonathan Green"
Sent: Thursday, January 23, 2003 7:42 PM


Thank you for your most practical advice on expurgating the computer's memory.
Unfortunately as usual the machine is proving our master not our servant We are now getting messages such as 'slave disc fail' and 'disk boot fail -insert system disc and press enter' plus on start up we get a black border (appropriately) and a limited array of icons which do not allow us to call up our stored info (if any) We don't think there is anything confidential left inside but I can't swear to it.
I am tempted to take the whole lot to the skip - we are completely hopeless at anything out of the ordinary with these machines and I cannot pass something on which doesn't perform unless the new owner is a whizz at IT.
We want to get shot of this hardware.
Should we hang on to the kit in the possibility that you know a unsuspecting charity after you have sanitised it or shall I drop it into the North Sea to join the ship load of Mercedes and BMWs already there in wait for unsuspecting tankers to give the oil spill disaster teams some practice?

Please advise your frustrated father.

From: "Jonathan Green"
To: "Jon Green"
Sent: Friday, January 24, 2003 9:12 AM

Dear Frustrated of Hertfordshire

My advice would be place your errant PC in a large mechanical catapult and see how far you can fling it.


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